Well, we’ve come a full year and half now together, I suppose, and I feel that I may honestly say it’s improved me in ways. Paideia has helped me reconsider myself in many different ways, pointed out prejudices in myself I didn’t know existed and may now work to fix, pointed out for me ways that I might become better aware of the world around me, instilled in me a want to be a better citizen of the globe and of our campus – it’s made me sadder for not being able to study “abroad” with the Lakota natives in South Dakota as originally planned, as it has taught me to treasure the prospects of being put into intercultural situations.
Sadly, the 3 month stay with the American Indians ended up with a price tag of upwards to $12,000, not something we could really afford to toss around for a summer study on top of another three semesters of SU and possibly graduate school. I do get to study at NYU for a few weeks, which is deep and confetti exciting because, well fuck, it’s *New York* baby! And getting to study there will help me with my research for the article I’m working on for a conference/Paideia presentation/capstone, and will also allow me to scope out NYU and Columbia as potential graduate schools, which is a neat opportunity I didn’t think I’d get this school-shopping time around. However, while NY-ing is intercultural in its own unique ways, I think we all know that it’s significantly less so than it would’ve been to be plopped on a reservation and have to live with a foreign-native family for a full three months, touring that part of the world, community service-ing, and keeping up with university classes. So, it’s a bummer with a very excellent alternative, I think.
But I can certainly appreciate Paideia as a wonderful force insofar as making sure I recognized the fullness of that academic and personal loss.
I also have to say though that I miss our group meetings outside of normal class time – I know I was no help with planning those this semester, but, as aforementioned in my last blog, this semester has been a particularly rude bitch at certain times. Really, the grit of this semester and some of our discussions in Paideia have had me reconsidering my decision to double major in places, but I don’t like getting my feet wet without going for the full swim. I guess, I might be in the shit for the moment – excuse all my French by the way, I’m writing this pretty early into the morning :p what is it? 2:30 am, on the nose – but I’m also at the point of no return. Really these next two weeks are going to be insanely crazy with all the studying I’m not used to having to do (I’m more of an essay kinda gal, myself) and for birthdays and choir concerts and four essays (told you, didn’t I?) to boot – it’s insane, and I really wish I had more time for you all and our outside class get togethers and maybe even another community service project.
I do have to say though that I’m immeasurably indebted to my double major though for the article that it’s inspired me to write. So far it’s called “Ginsberg and the Trickster: Howlers”, about looking at Ginsberg’s poetry through the scope of Native American trickster mythology. I’m pretty sure this is going to turn into my big creative works project, I’ve already got about a kajillion (that’s a scientific term) sources for it and about 25 pages (not very good ones, but they’re there all the same) written on it, and I have to say again, I’m jacked up. I’m jacked up about this project almost to the point of my other classes suffering for it – I know my studying has definitely dwindled for working on it, and other essays that should’ve been started a while ago have been put on the backburner until just now so that I might work on it some more. I’ve made a decision though: no more till Christmas break.
I feel like a horrific nerd, but I love it. I love the way it integrates both of my majors and so many different sources and perspectives, and how like Paideia it seems, to me at least, to be.
I hope all of you have similarly make-you-crazy projects in store, and I hope all of you have better/similar good/crazy luck with your study abroad plans. Rachel, we’ll miss you!
Thank you all for being such wonderful founts to learn from and such good people to get to work with -- I like our group. Good work. :]
ciao for now amigos,
moi
Sunday, November 29, 2009
So far...
Looking back over this semester’s Paideia insofar as the shared readings and student-led discussions are concerned, I have to say that I enjoyed doing it this way, just because I felt like we discussed some good and interesting topics – especially in regards to science, way to go, dudes!, and even more especially Steven’s topic. Really, big applause on that reading and that presentation, man, there was something top-notch there and it left me thinking more about the scientific perspective and gave me something teeth-sink-in-able to discuss with people outside of our group of all varying majors.
My only real complaint of how things went down is that the readings for some weeks – and admittedly, even I didn’t give the full week ahead of time buffer – did not give the rest of the group any time to read the material and prepare some sort of decent means of contributing to the discussion. I feel like Paideia is something we all enjoy – otherwise, why stick around, right? – and I know I certainly do, but I also know that it’s my responsibility as your fellow student to come as prepared as possible because the more I know (or think I know :p) then the more I can contribute – and even if you don’t agree with me, at least that way you’ve got something to dispute. Basically, when we’re all able to come prepared and discuss then we’ll all have a better chance of really learning something new and worthwhile from each other. I figured, after all – and may very well be mistaken on this – but I was under the impression that, these presentations weren’t so much a give-us-what-you-know/teach-us moment, this wasn’t story-time, but it was sort of like presenting the group with a hypothesis or faux-thesis statement bolstered by a (scholarly?) source of some kind that the group might all read and then consider/dispute/build upon. – something we can’t well do if we haven’t had ample time to read and consider the work being presented upon.
And really, what’s the fun and point of Paideia if we don’t get something we can really disagree on? – Props to Rachel as well for her topic in that way about vegetarianism. I’m not suggesting that all of our topics should be controversial or radical or argumentative or overly provocative etc etc, because frankly, I don’t think we have a problem with that in our group :p what with the craziness over the Student Forum, sports & DNA, messed up vegans, etc. We do a good job, I think, of embracing weird perspectives.
I have to apologize here if I’ve been less prepared or more on-edge this semester in our group meetings; it’s no excuse, but it’s been a rough semester this time around. I think, for this reason as well, the way we’ve worked it out with these individual readings and presentations has helped me stay on track a bit more with what we’re doing rather than having to hunt through the Newsweek’s as well as read up on some other source as well as, as well as, etc (not that Paideia’s ever been the problem-child class :p) but this arrangement did seem more manageable for me despite my at times crumbly disposition.
I do have a request/suggestion though for maybe next semester. I know we all have to do a big final presentation of some kind for Paideia, and while I appreciate the lower key (though still scholarly and interesting) readings we’ve been doing, I’d also be interested to know more about what you all are thinking about for that project, even if it’s your capstone, I’d like to know more about those too. If anyone here is as big a nerd as I am, I’m jacked up about my capstone and love to chat about it – so I guess what I’m suggesting is that maybe when we have our individual presentations, could the person presenting also take a few minutes to tell us about what they’re thinking about for that presentation or for their capstone? Maybe tell us something they’ve learned lately that’s really intrigued them, something from one of their in-major classes that’s really caught their attention lately, something academic or news-worthy that’s got them jacked up? Really, I’d just be interested to know more about the other little outside specifics of what’s interesting you all.
I hope that made some semblance of sense and that you all really do know how much I appreciate getting to learn with and about all of you.
muchas gracias & ciao for now,
moi
My only real complaint of how things went down is that the readings for some weeks – and admittedly, even I didn’t give the full week ahead of time buffer – did not give the rest of the group any time to read the material and prepare some sort of decent means of contributing to the discussion. I feel like Paideia is something we all enjoy – otherwise, why stick around, right? – and I know I certainly do, but I also know that it’s my responsibility as your fellow student to come as prepared as possible because the more I know (or think I know :p) then the more I can contribute – and even if you don’t agree with me, at least that way you’ve got something to dispute. Basically, when we’re all able to come prepared and discuss then we’ll all have a better chance of really learning something new and worthwhile from each other. I figured, after all – and may very well be mistaken on this – but I was under the impression that, these presentations weren’t so much a give-us-what-you-know/teach-us moment, this wasn’t story-time, but it was sort of like presenting the group with a hypothesis or faux-thesis statement bolstered by a (scholarly?) source of some kind that the group might all read and then consider/dispute/build upon. – something we can’t well do if we haven’t had ample time to read and consider the work being presented upon.
And really, what’s the fun and point of Paideia if we don’t get something we can really disagree on? – Props to Rachel as well for her topic in that way about vegetarianism. I’m not suggesting that all of our topics should be controversial or radical or argumentative or overly provocative etc etc, because frankly, I don’t think we have a problem with that in our group :p what with the craziness over the Student Forum, sports & DNA, messed up vegans, etc. We do a good job, I think, of embracing weird perspectives.
I have to apologize here if I’ve been less prepared or more on-edge this semester in our group meetings; it’s no excuse, but it’s been a rough semester this time around. I think, for this reason as well, the way we’ve worked it out with these individual readings and presentations has helped me stay on track a bit more with what we’re doing rather than having to hunt through the Newsweek’s as well as read up on some other source as well as, as well as, etc (not that Paideia’s ever been the problem-child class :p) but this arrangement did seem more manageable for me despite my at times crumbly disposition.
I do have a request/suggestion though for maybe next semester. I know we all have to do a big final presentation of some kind for Paideia, and while I appreciate the lower key (though still scholarly and interesting) readings we’ve been doing, I’d also be interested to know more about what you all are thinking about for that project, even if it’s your capstone, I’d like to know more about those too. If anyone here is as big a nerd as I am, I’m jacked up about my capstone and love to chat about it – so I guess what I’m suggesting is that maybe when we have our individual presentations, could the person presenting also take a few minutes to tell us about what they’re thinking about for that presentation or for their capstone? Maybe tell us something they’ve learned lately that’s really intrigued them, something from one of their in-major classes that’s really caught their attention lately, something academic or news-worthy that’s got them jacked up? Really, I’d just be interested to know more about the other little outside specifics of what’s interesting you all.
I hope that made some semblance of sense and that you all really do know how much I appreciate getting to learn with and about all of you.
muchas gracias & ciao for now,
moi
Sunday, November 15, 2009
RAIN
Well, I missed the really cool Poe exhibit that went down in Austin, a more academically educational event, I suppose, than this, but I do feel like this was just as educational -- primarily from an intercultural perspective. When I was in high school, I was never well integrated with a diverse culture, mostly WASPs hanging out in a high school full of WASPs, and so SU has been a good move for me, turning me into a wonderfully tolerant person, more open, more understanding, more complex -- all of which I desperately appreciate as I feel it really helps me on my way to becoming a more responsible, more respectable global citizen. Anyway, even though I now have openly gay friends and colleagues and have a bit better of an idea of the struggles they go through from day to day, I must say that spending an evening at RAIN - one of the "gay bars" of our Austin - with a group celebrating a couple of my friends coming out as a gay couple, was something still very much out of my norm. And I think, actually, realizing that that was still out of my norm, still a little bit beyond my complete comfortability, was just as odd as the experience itself.
I've been to clubs before -- none that I'd really desperately enjoyed as I'm more of a close friends small party, gal, myself -- but none like this. They mark you, of course, if you're under 21, scribbling permanent marker all over your hands, confiscating your driver's license for reasons still beyond me, tall skinny men in long skinny jeans and heavily greased faux-hawks looking you up and down to see who's there as a gay, as a straight, as a spectator, as a friend, as a townie, as a vacationing student. You walk in through a dark lobby rimmed with people, waiting for friends, waiting to leave, waiting, and then the lights hit you. Blue light, green, pink, television screens bolted up everywhere while the music -- the normal stuff, froth skimmed right off the pop radio stations -- sped up to adrenaline-shot-chipmunk speed so that they all sounded even more ridiculous, high-pitched and crazy, like the happiness of dancing was fevered and color-blurry in some way. We'd gotten there just a little early so that the only guy dancing was their paid dancer to make other people more comfortable, standing up on the glowing plastic platform stage, lined on side by the bar and on the other side by the DJ and strip pole/cage. Waiters in speedos wandered around with trays filled with neon bright drinks of every color, women or men dressed up to the wilds as men or women filled the place, more kids like us just dressed up began to mill around, the whole event unnerving and exciting all of us, gay and straight alike, so that we all huddled together in the back for a short while looking bewildered and helpless with a vague air of attempting to be cool.
When we finally began dancing -- mine especially ridiculous considering the fact that keeping a beat to me is sort of akin to trying to keep still a small child on speed -- it improved for us all, I think, allowing us to meld into something more comfortable, a sort of strange invisibility on the glowing stage where we'd felt so naked and displayed while huddling in the darkened back. Being there, dancing where men danced together and kissed and held together, where the women held hands and smiled and never looked anymore self-conscious than we did, where everyone simply seemed happy, I realized slowly I felt more comfortable there than in any of the "straight clubs" where everyone seemed to feel such a need to be gritty and cool, to make sure that they were definitely straight-shooting whereas here the competition was downplayed for the idea of being comfortable with yourself and with others.
The biggest part of it, though, I think, is still the fact that it unnerved me at all. I really do consider myself a pretty liberal person, pretty accepting, especially considering how out of this world excited I was to be there for my friends in celebrating their freedom to be together in love --
I suppose it really just revealed to me how segregated our culture continues to be, how hetero-normative everyone continues to be despite all of the media-hype, organizations, and social work put forward lately. Of course the awkwardness faded quickly and gladly, but it made me wonder, given all the lectures I've now been to regarding gender and gender equality and sexuality and sexual orientation equality, given all the classes and studies and political arguments surrounding the issues, why is it that a fairly liberal woman at a fairly liberal school in the most liberal city in Texas (which, I guess, isn't saying much, oh conservative-stuffed Texas) would feel awkward around openly gay people when there for the purpose of celebrating a person's freedom to be openly gay? When will everyone be able to accept love in all forms as love and not as "gay" or "straight" or "inter-racial"? When will this cease to be a culture-shock and begin to be the normalcy it should be?
I've been to clubs before -- none that I'd really desperately enjoyed as I'm more of a close friends small party, gal, myself -- but none like this. They mark you, of course, if you're under 21, scribbling permanent marker all over your hands, confiscating your driver's license for reasons still beyond me, tall skinny men in long skinny jeans and heavily greased faux-hawks looking you up and down to see who's there as a gay, as a straight, as a spectator, as a friend, as a townie, as a vacationing student. You walk in through a dark lobby rimmed with people, waiting for friends, waiting to leave, waiting, and then the lights hit you. Blue light, green, pink, television screens bolted up everywhere while the music -- the normal stuff, froth skimmed right off the pop radio stations -- sped up to adrenaline-shot-chipmunk speed so that they all sounded even more ridiculous, high-pitched and crazy, like the happiness of dancing was fevered and color-blurry in some way. We'd gotten there just a little early so that the only guy dancing was their paid dancer to make other people more comfortable, standing up on the glowing plastic platform stage, lined on side by the bar and on the other side by the DJ and strip pole/cage. Waiters in speedos wandered around with trays filled with neon bright drinks of every color, women or men dressed up to the wilds as men or women filled the place, more kids like us just dressed up began to mill around, the whole event unnerving and exciting all of us, gay and straight alike, so that we all huddled together in the back for a short while looking bewildered and helpless with a vague air of attempting to be cool.
When we finally began dancing -- mine especially ridiculous considering the fact that keeping a beat to me is sort of akin to trying to keep still a small child on speed -- it improved for us all, I think, allowing us to meld into something more comfortable, a sort of strange invisibility on the glowing stage where we'd felt so naked and displayed while huddling in the darkened back. Being there, dancing where men danced together and kissed and held together, where the women held hands and smiled and never looked anymore self-conscious than we did, where everyone simply seemed happy, I realized slowly I felt more comfortable there than in any of the "straight clubs" where everyone seemed to feel such a need to be gritty and cool, to make sure that they were definitely straight-shooting whereas here the competition was downplayed for the idea of being comfortable with yourself and with others.
The biggest part of it, though, I think, is still the fact that it unnerved me at all. I really do consider myself a pretty liberal person, pretty accepting, especially considering how out of this world excited I was to be there for my friends in celebrating their freedom to be together in love --
I suppose it really just revealed to me how segregated our culture continues to be, how hetero-normative everyone continues to be despite all of the media-hype, organizations, and social work put forward lately. Of course the awkwardness faded quickly and gladly, but it made me wonder, given all the lectures I've now been to regarding gender and gender equality and sexuality and sexual orientation equality, given all the classes and studies and political arguments surrounding the issues, why is it that a fairly liberal woman at a fairly liberal school in the most liberal city in Texas (which, I guess, isn't saying much, oh conservative-stuffed Texas) would feel awkward around openly gay people when there for the purpose of celebrating a person's freedom to be openly gay? When will everyone be able to accept love in all forms as love and not as "gay" or "straight" or "inter-racial"? When will this cease to be a culture-shock and begin to be the normalcy it should be?
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